Thursday 20 December 2012

Now For Something Entirely Banal

Life is everything. But life is nothing. However, life can be anything. Such is the nature of life, baffling all the logic my mind has managed to build. Life is the very foundation of my self. Yet there is no certainty of life. My foundation is shaky. That is why I am shaky.

When I feel weak and confused, I wish I could get some clarity about myself. I wish I could see through my mind. My mind is opaque. Or maybe, it is like a muddy pond. I cannot see the depths. I wish if I could go to an alternate space, where I can look at myself without any bias. Where I am not I am but I can see what I am. "Give me a space to stand, I will move the earth", assures the Euler's rotation theorem. It is this space that I need. Just to stand. But I must still be where I used to be. Maybe, on the earth. Then, give me such a space to stand, I will move myself. How impossible! It is in such situations, that I feel helpless.

That is where Grothendiek looks strange to me. He gives no shit about the abstractions of life. Life is pathetically real to him. Bloody life. I mean it. Bloody life. Those who need true peace should sever all ties with the rest of the world. After all, what is the rest of the world? In abstraction, an imaginary axis with no foundation at all. Even if it has a foundation, the axis of peace is orthoganal to it. The axis of evil being fully isomorphic. Grothendiek went to Andorra. Perelman locked himself in his appartment. Nietzsche decided to become a lunatic. When does one know that there is nothing more to do, nothing more to gain, and nothing more to lose? Again a difficult riddle.

I am not living in seclusion. I am living in an extremely over-crowded Chennai. Does that mean I do not love true peace? Does the reverse hypothesis always happen to be true? It is rather a question of causality.

When I asked for a packet of buiscuits, the lady, who invoked all my carnal desires, told me if I buy two packets, I will get one free. So I bought two and got three. Post-postmodern times are like that. God has already revealed it in his notebook. You will get it free what you do not need. If you ask for what you need, hot iron will be impaled into your anus.

Once a man asked God who is a happy man. Here, like in all other stories, the man and God are males. Such stories do not include women, for they are the weeker sex. God replied that a happy man is he, who never finds the need to ask the question 'what is the meaning of life'. How can I ensure that I will never ask that question, the man asked. God said, cook your food yourself every time and every day in your life. The man followed God's words and lived happily for long time until the women found out. They became jealous and enslaved all the men on earth and made the decree: Henceforth, we will cook the food in every household and will never allow the men even to enter the kitchen. Thenceforth, men started asking the question: is there a meaning at all for my life? Thus, they became confused and the women became iron-willed.

The end:-)

Tuesday 26 June 2012

The Self

What is the frame of reference of my life, with respect to which I find meaning to every action? Well, I don't want to philosophize here. My answer is this: "my inner feeling that I AM". The central feeling that I AM the one who experiences all this internal as well as external worlds. That is the only thing which I can take as a basis for anything. The feeling which thinks "this mind is mine", "this intellect is mine", "this body is mine", "this experience is mine", and "I exist in this world". Some say, this feeling is absolute and indestructible (ATMAN). Some says, it is a void, a nothingness, an emptiness, or, an illusion (ANATMAN). Modern psycho analysis often adopts the latter point of view. Zizek says, if you remove all the realities from the mind, what remains is nothing! Stephen Hawkins says, the feeling that time is flowing forward an illusion, but it actually is just another dimension like space. Time is not without beginning. There was a time when there was no time. Perhaps, the fact is that my feeling of I AM is a by product of time. It is time that generates my life. I feel time as my memory. If I remove all my memory? I would feel I had no past, I had no life, I had never eaten anything, I had never loved anyone. All those experiences fall into oblivion. I AM thrown into oblivion. In fact, Umberto Eco analyses this in his novel The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana. The protagonist had an accident, and when he wakes up in a hospital, all his personal memory is lost. All he remembers is from his impersonal memory, which contains things he read somewhere! OK. I am digressing from the topic. The topic is the existence or non-existence of the self. Whatever these philosophers, psychoanalysts or physicists say, my experience is foremost for me. And, I can feel my self. I feel that very feeling of I AM. That is the core of my life, I guess.

On 22nd Friday, June 2012, I gave my second Ph. D. seminar to a small audience of around thirty people. To tell the truth, I had not prepared my talk. I had only prepared my slides, which explained my work. How I would introduce new concepts and explain my work was not planned at all. This was not purposefull. Perhaps, my wife is true. She says I am suffering from bipolar disorder. This is the curse of marrying a doctor. What the fuck! I asked her if she meant I was mad. Maybe, she was true. I was unable to prepare my talk. When I went to the seminar hall, I had an empty mind. I set up the laptop and the projector. Then waited for my audience. One by one, came they. Almost all had been known to me. And they gave me a friendly smile as they entered. I smiled back. This may be a social custom that we have developed through evolution. But it helps. I felt a bit relieved. That inescapable moment came at last. The moment of truth. My guide said "Let's begin the talk". I started: "Good afternoon, this is my second Ph. D. seminar". That's all. I don't remember what happened next. I only know that the talk went without any troubles. Because, during my talk, I felt no I AM. There was only the talk. The topic. The slides. The algorithms. The explanations. I went without stop, except for taking a gulp of water now and then. After that talk, my kindhearted friends said the talk was good. However kindhearted they may be, I felt proud. The I AM came back. Now, the I AM became my pride. My arrogance. Then where was that feeling when I was talking? Did it get transformed to the talk itself? Again, is that feeling real? Is it just an illusion? I don't know. But I can't live without that feeling. Without I AM, I may no longer be I am! I am... all that crap. My likes. My dislikes. My desires. The inexhaustible desire for making love. All the confusion. Does god exist or not? Shit. I AM is a burden, too. Maybe, the point is to forget the self... to forget the I AM.

P. Sandeep
June 26, 2012,
Chennai.

Monday 26 March 2012

Palakkal Saga: Liberal 'n' Liberated

Not long ago, Palakkal went for a party, in a very remote galaxy called the Post Modern. The Post Modern was like a dream world. Full of lights and shining. Full of comforts. There the People were full of happiness and always wore a smile on their faces! They all wore glittering dresses, making Palakkal look strange and mean among them. Palakkal was the only one there from the poor, old Ancient Earth. Palakkal's ancient manners made people jerk with horror. Palakkal was aware of this but did not care at all.

As Palakkal was walking among that majestic crowd, he saw a young woman shining in a corner like diamond among others. All the bystanders were looking at her, admiring her beauty and listening eagerly what she was saying. Palakkal stopped, for beauty always attracts the beast. With all Palakkal's ancient wisdom and knowledge, he tried to understand what she was saying. At one point Palakkal wondered, "Are there things yet that I cannot understand in this universe?" For Palakkal could not decipher a single thing she said. In her loud and seductive voice she kept speaking and speaking, and the crowd stayed and stayed there, looking and looking at her. Perhaps they were only looking, not listening, not understanding. Palakkal's heart smiled. He took a deep breath and turned away from the lady. But exactly at that moment, with an air of utmost confidence she declared,

"You know, I'm liberal and liberated!"

"Liberal? Towards what?... Liberated?" Palakkal asked himself, "From what?"

"Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... So Palakkal chanted.

Later, Palakkal left the Post Modern and rushed towards the Ancient Earth. On the way he slept at irregular interwells. In sleep he thought he was wakeful and in wakefulness he thought he was sleeping. Such grave delirium is common for Palakkal. It is almost a genitical fault. As most of the times, but not as most of the other times, his mind suddenly became still and empty. In such moments Palakkal can sense only his heart beating... nothing else, not even his breath. From the middle of his temple, a clear judgement suddenly arose, without his own will,

"Yes, that young lady is liberated. She can be so. She is born into wealth. She lives in wealth. She will die in wealth. She is liberated from the poor souls who still live in the Ancient Earth outside the borderes of the Post Modern, but who are never able to enter into her world, never even aware of it. She has successfully raised above that ugly, motley crowd, by keeping them away from her, from her sight, even from her unconscious self. Yes, she is liberated from the Ancient Earth to the Post Modern. And so can she be liberal to others who, like her, are liberated from the dwellers of the Ancient Earth. She is thus the Liberal and Liberated!"

Palakkal woke up from his delirium. He became the two-legged animal that he normally is. Once again that arrogant smile came into his face. Reaching the Earth he saw a giant elephant running amok, ruining the forest. With one hand he caught the neck of the elephant; raising it above the head, Palakkal killed the elephant by hitting it once on the ground. Eating the elephant for the dinner, Palakkal went to bed with a peaceful mind.

Sunday 1 January 2012

2012

बहुशाखा ह्यनंताश्च बुध्यॊ'व्यवसायिनाम्||
ബഹുശാഖാ ഹ്യനന്താശ്ച ബുദ്ധയോ'വ്യവസായിനാം.
Bahushaakhaa hyananthaascha buddhayoavyavasaayinaam.
 The thoughts of the irresolute (undetermined) are many-branched and endless.
--Stanza 41, Chapter 2, Bagavat Gita
These days I am seeing a lot of opinions on all the things in the world by the self proclaimed experts. Everyone seems to be an expert in everything. By hearing and listening to them, I am growing incessantly confused.

Creating confusion seems to be the virtue of the time. Making everyone irresolute and undetermined is the nature of the time. Only a confused mass can be distracted from serious problems humans are facing in the world. Only such a mass is politically inactive and economically submissive. Only such mass can be controlled by the powerful. Only such mass can be misguided for fulfilling the narrow and vested interests of the ruling class.

I would like to remember and remind myself:
Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity;
whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity.
For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom:
the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water.

--Friedrich Nietzsche
This fear of going into the water can be seen everywhere in the present day writings, even in Internet blogs -- more so in their replying comments ! My opinion may sound harsh and cynic. But that does not refute my opinion. My contempt for the online writings is becoming stronger and stronger. I don't want to say any more about it, against it. For,  I believe that opposing something strengthens the opposed, at least psychologically. Opposing violence procreates violence in the minds of those who are opposing. Therefore, I would like to focus on the opposite. (Did Nietzsche say there are no opposites?) The opposites:
truth, inquiry, peace, values, ...
I welcome the new year, though I know that it is stupid to believe in new years.