Palakkal Saga: Happy New Year

Genre: Fiction, with Label: Palakkal Saga

Palakkal woke up. He had the satisfaction that, being the Happy New Year on that day, he was able to wake up in the morning itself, as the time at that moment was only fifty-nine minutes and a few seconds past eleven. First few minutes he spent analyzing the problem of whether there is a need to take bath that day or not. After considering various factors and doctrines, he concluded that it was not even remotely necessary. Yet, being a virtuous man, he washed the phallus in purified water. It is an imperative that a man washes the phallus after sex even if it was a sacred and legible one. Palakkal is a man of knowledge and scriptures, and followed every dictum adamantly.

       Drinking up the little toddy left in the bottom of the can, he opened a pack, wrapped in banana leaves, kept in the kitchen. It contained the fresh heart of the lion that Palakkal murdered the night before for roaring loudly just when Palakkal was about to come and feel an orgasmic climax. Cleaning the remnants of the blood, again in purified water, Palakkal dressed it in chilly and masala and salt. He fried it deep in one cup of heated cow-ghee, then sat on the floor and started to eat. Exactly at that moment, there was a knock on the door that would open the house towards the paddy field. Palakkal got wildly angry for being disturbed during his lunch.

"Whoever that be, she just knocked the door of the hell," whispered Palakkal to himself as he got up.

Palakkal opened the door and, seeing the guest, became calm at once. It was the Lord from the nearby temple. Unless there is some very serious reason, it does not befit Palakkal to torture the oppressed and downtrodden in the society. He invited the Lord inside and gave him an old wooden chair to sit.

The Lord sat with his trunk straight, erect like a mountain. Divine calmness and serenity played on his face.

"My Lord, what made you get out of your divine abode and come to my stinking home?"

Lord smiled silently. A divine smile. When he smiled, the room filled with a divine light. Palakkal  moved two steps backwards. He knew that even he could be corrupted by the divinity of the Lord. But the Lord himself took no notice of Palakkal's reaction. He said in a Dassettanian voice,

"My son, apologies for bothering you and disturbing your lunch. I came here just to relax and spend some time in the quietness of your home. All the ass holes on the earth have swarmed in my abode since early morning. Being the Happy New Year of the year, they all want to see me and demand their blessings."

Hearing this, Palakkal started laughing like a dinosaur. Lord looked at Palakkal with interest and continued to smile. After Palakkal's laugh came to a halt, the Lord asked him,

"What do you have to offer me to eat?"

"I have a half-eaten deep-fried heart of a lion. It is good and tasty."

"Anything to drink?"

"Just finished the last drop of heavenly liquid before you came."

"OK, never mind."

The Lord wanted to sleep for a while. Palakkal showed him his bed and mattress. While the Lord was sleeping, Palakkal devoured the rest of the lion's heart. Satisfied, he went out with his toddy can. One mile apart, there was a small forest. He went inside and stood before a giant tree. A monkey was sitting silently on the lower branch of the tree, looking down. When it saw Palakkal approaching, the monkey started shivering with fear. Palakkal showed him the can. The monkey came down at once reverently and took the can with it. It climbed a coconut tree nearby and came down after a few minutes. The can was filled with fresh toddy now.

Walking back home, Palakkal thus reflected, "I don't know why that monkey always fears me like an elephant fears an ant! I will never understand some of the mysteries on this earth." As he walked, a giant elephant indeed came opposite to him. Seeing Palakkal, it bowed down deeply and moved away from the road with all humility to make way for Palakkal.

Upon reaching home, Palakkal gave one peg of toddy to the Lord. The Lord was happy and rested. Sipping from the cup, he asked Palakkal,

"So, what are your Happy New Year resolutions, son?"

Palakkal suddenly stood in attention and said in a solemn voice, as if he was reciting something sacred,

"Number one: I will not pay a penny for sex this year. Number two: I will not rape any minors, but only majors. Number three: I will not be cruel to the women I rape by leaving them to live, but kill them kindly at once. Number four: I will not treat any woman as a woman, but behave like a fetish feminist. Number five: I will not kill anyone by holding the feet and hitting the head on the ground; I will use more decent methods. Number six: In case I kill any animal, I will eat at least a portion of it. Number seven: I will not forcefully kick the earth while angry and thus will not cause the earth from moving away from its orbit. Number eight," Palakkal continued with a dubious smile on his lips, "I will not kick any Lord's butt this year."

        The Lord gave Palakkal one gold Ring and said, "Son, accept my gift for having such an extraordinary list of Happy New Year resolutions. And now, allow me to leave for my home."

        "Thank you, my Lord of the Ring," Palakkal said in gratitude while also trying to recollect the previous day's price of the gold.

During the evening walk, Palakkal passed near the temple and saw the endless queue of "ass holes on the earth" who had come to see the Lord. But those who came in cars did not have to stand in the queue. Lord's manifesto written by Lord-only-knows-which-ass-hole permitted them to enter directly. An old lady beggar accosted Palakkal and asked for the alms. He took pity and opened the polythene bag he was carrying. He took a dead black cat from it, chopped of the head with his dagger and gave that to her. The eyes of the dead animal were open and staring at the people around.

"Oh dear old lady! The brain is the best part of a cat. With love from the bottom of my heart, I present the best part of my dinner to you. Please accept my kindness with gratitude."

Horrified, the lady ran away. Dejected, Palakkal put the deformed cat inside his cover and continued his evening stroll.

The End.

Palakkal Saga: The Very Beginning

I'm going to narrate you some story, or perhaps some stories. But I warn you that they are not mere stories but actual events, which humans in flesh and blood had created with their own lives. It is the real history. Before reading these stories, ask yourself if you can take it. Ask yourself how bold and courageous you are! For these stories are only for the strong and the privileged!

This is the saga of Palakkal. This is how it all begins. This is how the history begins.

Palakkal's saga consists of stories of life and the tyrannies of life. Many of those stories took place in a small piece of land in a corner of the earth, which faced all the remotest galaxies. Northern part of that land was full of saffron-coloured desert. If one travels southwards, one has to pass through the white-snowy mountains. Thus one pass from the desert with no water to the snowy mountains that produced all the water on earth. That may sound paradoxical to some. But to see through the paradox, one must travel even southwards only to see the lush green forest, which was inhabited by a lot of mysterious animals and humans. "Saffron-white-green." That was the colour of the land. Below the green forest, one can see the boundless, deep blue sea, which in turn was inhabited by those beautiful fishes and mermaids. That land was blessed by the gods, where people lived lazy lives in pleasure.

Thousands of years ago, Palakkal was born in a small village of the green land, which was adjacent to the forest, surrounded by the sea on one side and a series of small hills on the other side. At the time of Palakkal's birth, his father, a man of courage and will power, was fishing in the river. A sudden stream of flood came from the mountains and took him with it to the sea. He never came back. That was the first liberation in Palakkals life though he did not realised its significance: liberation from the tyranny of order and obedience. His mother raised him affectionately. She was a woman of strong character. At the age of ten, his mother died of malaria. Her horrible death shattered Palakkal deeply. Yet, he did not know that he was liberated again, this time from the tyranny of self-less love.

Orphaned and helpless, Palakkal was taken by a rich farmer, who lived nearby. He was put to work in the fields with the farmer's workers. He was only a small boy yet he was given a man's work. Before the sunrise he started his work and till late night he had to work, stopping only for his meagre lunch. Suffering badly for a while, Palakkal learnt how to withstand the hardship. During his work, he ate fruits from the forest and drank milk from the cow. Other than work and eating, he had nothing else to think of. No time for anything else either. He received no kindness and no love. Only tinge of kind words he received was from the farmer's ugly looking, dark-coloured, fat wife. She treated him with kindness and gave him good food whenever he was happened to be called for some household work in the farmer's house. Such occasions were but rare. Thus, rare were the occasions Palakkal ate something that humans would normally eat. From the farmer's wife, Palakkal learnt that external appearances meant nothing and black often conceals white, and ugliness, beauty!

Years went by very fast. Palakkal was gradually growing towards adulthood. One afternoon he was working at the mangroves when the farmer came that way. The farmer never used to tell Palakkal anything directly other than giving some orders. For him, Palakkal never existed as a human being. However, that afternoon, upon seeing Palakkal, the farmer stopped and looked at him carefully. He ordered Palakkal to bring water from the river to his rest house in the forest. Palakkal went with water and the doors closed behind him. In the darkness inside that hut, with hands and feet tied, Palakkal experienced the pain and pleasure of the sodom. The poor soul of Palakkal cried and cried, but receiving no help. That day, Palakkal learnt the tyranny of the phallus. Many such afternoons were repeated for Palakkal with his hands and feet tied and the sodom at work, and always he sobbed and sobbed. Nothing particular happened to the world around him. Everything flowed forward normally and peacefully. Only Palakkal's boyish mind was in utmost agony.

On a calm evening, Palakkal was given some household work in the farmer's house. He was involved in his own work with a weeping but attentive mind when he was called by the farmer's wife to the kitchen. As usual, she gave him food and hot coffee. Palakkal was eating his food, sitting on the floor, when the farmer rushed into the kitchen. Seeing Palakkal, eating food in his kitchen, the farmer got enraged. He kicked Palakkal out of the house and started beating his wife. Palakkal heard the farmer's wife crying aloud. The farmer was shouting loudly too. Palakkal knew this was normal. He had seen and experienced what the farmer would become when he is violent. He shuddered with fear at the thought of how the farmer would punish him later for his mistake. He thought of running away, though he knew that the farmer would chase after him and catch him finally. But the woman's heartbreaking cry could not be neglected. It wounded Palakkal's innermost self. A sudden fire in the nerves awakened Palakkal. He stopped thinking and ran into the house. The woman was lying on the floor and the man was kicking on her abdomen. Palakkal saw an axe leaning on the wall. The axe rose and lowered once. The headless farmer fell down on the floor like a tree. That was the end of the tyranny of the phallus! That is to say, Palakkal's liberation from the tyranny of the phallus.

The farmer was long gone. Palakkal replaced the farmer. He lived with the farmer's wife. They became man and woman. Fat and ugly may she be, yet she was a woman, and she made him a man! The tyranny of sodom was forgotten. The tyranny of the phallus was forgotten. Palakkal now learnt the pain and pleasure of the phallus... and that of the vagina. He loved her. He loved the farmer's children, a boy and girl, as his own. Life seemed settled and peaceful. But fate had it otherwise. A plague broke out in that place killing a lot of unworthy souls. The farmer's wife, and children, were not spared indeed. Putting fire on their bodies, Palakkal did not cry. This time he felt his liberation. Liberation from the tyranny of a woman's love. A woman's erotic love. And his own love and lust for her!

Liberated from the order of life, self-less love, and tyrannies of passion, that of phallus and vagina, Palakkal thus gained the ultimate mental and physical freedom. He was free to choose his own life now, free to go anywhere and free to die also if he so desired, without asking or thinking for someone or something. Sitting under a tree Palakkal asked himself what was next! Having known the pains and pleasures of life and lust, he decided to go away. He did not know where, but away... away from life, lust, pains, pleasures, and tyranny. He realised then that he had to go away from humans! He realised that he had to cease to be human. "I am not human, I am a monster" [1], he thought. He rose to his feet and entered the dark forest, alone, with no fear and with almost no aim.

Maybe continued....

[1] Slavoj Zizek

Palakkal Saga: Liberal 'n' Liberated

Not long ago, Palakkal went for a party, in a very remote galaxy called the Post Modern. The Post Modern was like a dream world. Full of lights and shining. Full of comforts. There the People were full of happiness and always wore a smile on their faces! They all wore glittering dresses, making Palakkal look strange and mean among them. Palakkal was the only one there from the poor, old Ancient Earth. Palakkal's ancient manners made people jerk with horror. Palakkal was aware of this but did not care at all.

As Palakkal was walking among that majestic crowd, he saw a young woman shining in a corner like diamond among others. All the bystanders were looking at her, admiring her beauty and listening eagerly what she was saying. Palakkal stopped, for beauty always attracts the beast. With all Palakkal's ancient wisdom and knowledge, he tried to understand what she was saying. At one point Palakkal wondered, "Are there things yet that I cannot understand in this universe?" For Palakkal could not decipher a single thing she said. In her loud and seductive voice she kept speaking and speaking, and the crowd stayed and stayed there, looking and looking at her. Perhaps they were only looking, not listening, not understanding. Palakkal's heart smiled. He took a deep breath and turned away from the lady. But exactly at that moment, with an air of utmost confidence she declared,

"You know, I'm liberal and liberated!"

"Liberal? Towards what?... Liberated?" Palakkal asked himself, "From what?"

"Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... "Liberal and liberated"... So Palakkal chanted.

Later, Palakkal left the Post Modern and rushed towards the Ancient Earth. On the way he slept at irregular interwells. In sleep he thought he was wakeful and in wakefulness he thought he was sleeping. Such grave delirium is common for Palakkal. It is almost a genitical fault. As most of the times, but not as most of the other times, his mind suddenly became still and empty. In such moments Palakkal can sense only his heart beating... nothing else, not even his breath. From the middle of his temple, a clear judgement suddenly arose, without his own will,

"Yes, that young lady is liberated. She can be so. She is born into wealth. She lives in wealth. She will die in wealth. She is liberated from the poor souls who still live in the Ancient Earth outside the borderes of the Post Modern, but who are never able to enter into her world, never even aware of it. She has successfully raised above that ugly, motley crowd, by keeping them away from her, from her sight, even from her unconscious self. Yes, she is liberated from the Ancient Earth to the Post Modern. And so can she be liberal to others who, like her, are liberated from the dwellers of the Ancient Earth. She is thus the Liberal and Liberated!"

Palakkal woke up from his delirium. He became the two-legged animal that he normally is. Once again that arrogant smile came into his face. Reaching the Earth he saw a giant elephant running amok, ruining the forest. With one hand he caught the neck of the elephant; raising it above the head, Palakkal killed the elephant by hitting it once on the ground. Eating the elephant for the dinner, Palakkal went to bed with a peaceful mind.

Palakkal Saga: Meeting with Lonely Wanderer

Yesterday, I was sitting in the lab, looking at the computer monitor, feeling all my frustrations in life. Since it was evening, all my colleages had left, and I was alone. I thought of learning some modern useages in Malayalam. So, I opened youtube and started listening to Idea Star Singer videos, where a lady having a sack full of Ph.D.s taught what I described earlier. While I was taking some important notes from the videos, I heard someone opening the door. Immeidately I paused the video. Everyone thinks I am a devoted researcher. I did not want others know that I used to watch youtube in the lab. What do they know about the nobility of my intentions? That of earning more advanced knowledge in ones own mother tongue?

I looked at the door and found... who? Mr. Palakkal himself! He looked at me with anger and asked, "So, you are The Lonely Wanderer Sandeep Palakkal?"

I was frozen for a moment hearing the strength of that voice. Recovering from the shock, I admitted that I was that wreatched soul and what was sitting frozen there was my worldly body.

A short moment! Palakkal accosted me in rage, with lightning speed. I lost all my courage and self-esteem at that moment. I even pissed a little in my underwear.

"How dare you defame me by writing things about me in your pitiful blog, you dirty punk?," he asked grabbing my collars. "And, your writings? How preposterous, you big-mouth-and-tiny-brain?"

So, that was the reason of his visit: to question me, to stop me. Come on, Sandeep, don't be afraid. You have the freedom of speech in this country.

I said I was trying to convey some idea through my stories. It was just a story and I did not mean to defame him. I was so scared that I spoke too much which I cannot recollect now.

"If you wanted to convey some stupid idea, then why tell lies?" he asked angrily.

I boldly replied, "Art is a lie that make us realize truth [1]. And my art was literature."

Palakkal laughed out loudly. "You call your stupid writings literature? You call that Art?" he asked me with a poking look in his eyes. I saw his despise for me in his eyes. I felt insulted but was scared to respond.

"I warn you. Stop writing blogs by today and withdraw all your writings. Otherwise, I will hold you by your feet and kill you by hitting your head on this wall."

Intimidation! That too, towards a world famous blogger, a leftist, an atheist, and above all a signal processing engineer! This cannot be tolerated. He does not know that I am a Captain of the Devils in the International Legion of Signal Processing Devils! My friends, I conjured up all my energy and said, "NO. IMPOSSIBLE. YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN." (I put these words in capital to let my readers know how loudly I uttered them and how much force I exerted myself.)

The Palakkal looked at me, straight into my eyes. I sensed a glimpse of shining in his eyes. He released my collar and began to walk away, saying "so be it".

Why did he release me? Why did he not kill me? I was wondering. I felt neglected. Perhaps, Palakkal thought I was so weak to handle and so insignificant to waste his time upon. Once again, I felt insulted very deeply. I felt a wound on my heart and blood coming out of it. I quickly crossed Mr. Palakkal and stood in his way, challenging him. "Why the hell don't you do anything? Daren't you kill me? You filthy Palakkal. Do you know, only I can make you a hero. You should be happy for that."

I saw rage in Palakkal's eyes. They became blood red. I knew he was going to attack me. He who attack first is the winner [2]. So, I gave him a punch on his face. He came forward, pulled my head and kept it under his left shoulder. Then I felt his left knee on my solar plexus, hiting me just once but with tremendous force. When he released my head, I fell down like a tree on the floor. I was unconscious. Yet I could hear Palakkal's footsteps, leaving me alone in the room. I  heard him feebly,

"Poor fella! He did not know who he was fucking with" [3].

[1] Pablo Picasso.
[2] Anonymous
[3] Riddick, Pitch Black

Palakkal Saga: Wrong

Diarrhoea was cured by nature. Palakkal only drunk porridge made out of rice, by adding more salt than necessary in it. After four days on the bed, he not only felt cured. He felt he was replete with more fresher energy. He felt his inner potential increased by many folds. That is Palakkal's greatest joy on earth: to feel the inner strength.

That evening, Palakkal decided to go out, to feel the sun, though an evening sun with less vigour. The darkness of the room had started to become nauseating. Again, he went to the garden. Gardens are his favourites. Sitting surrounded by trees gave him enough opportunities to feel his solitude. Solitude, not loneliness, for Palakkal was always lonely, even if he walked with an ocean of people. And the ocean always tried to expel him, because it felt that he did not belong there.

When Palakkal reached the garden, there a great saint was giving lecture to his disciples. Palakkal went and sat in a corner, farthest from the saint and the disciples to avoid contamination as much as possible. He lay on the grass with his face up. As he took breath, he felt his youthfulness and inner strength. This may be what they call the joy of existence! Palakkal grew sceptic if one could feel the same joy as one grows older and older. Do old people feel inner strength? Potential?

The sky was blue and clouds were bright white. He saw an eagle flying in great heights. It looked too small -- more like a point than an eagle. He felt his heart pounding with unknown joy; butterflies fluttering inside his belly; and tickling on his soles. That was a rarest of rarest, serenest of serenest, beautifullest of beautifullest moments. He was ready to die at that very moment. But death was still a distant friend, for he was full of vigour of youth.

When the dusk had already fallen, when the disciples had all left, the saint came near Palakkal, and assuming his full composure he said,

"Palakkal, your acts are wrong and cruel. Especially what you have done in the hospital! You are too terrible a human being, with too sick a mind. All your actions are wrong, wrong and wrong."

Palakkal rose from the ground. After giving a big yawn, he said,

"He who considers more deeply knows that, whatever his acts and judgements may be, he is always wrong [1]."

Then he started walking, leaving the saint alone.

Belittled by Palakkal's wisdom, the saint stood there ashamed. He wondered when he would become as wise as Palakkal! Then, maybe to soon become so, he decided to control his breath and meditate in the garden till midnight.

[1] F. Nietzsche, Human all too human.

Palakkal Saga: Diarrhoea

Palakkal got diarrhoea. What? How is that possible? How can a person with immeasurable power get sick? No questions allowed in Palakkal Saga. For it consists of the stories of tyrannies. For tyranny does not like to be questioned.

It was early morning. Palakkal was waiting for the sun to emerge in the east so that he can rush to the doctor. Yes, he rushed. He ran to the doctor hitting everyone came across his way. Whether that morning had birds singing, he did not care! He rushed. For he had no time. From his house, where there were two toilets, he had to reach the hospital, where there will possibly be a toilet. On the way, he may not find a public toilet at all. 'I am in India,' he remembered.

As soon as he reached the hospital, first he finished off what was now imminent. After returning from the toilet, he went right to the reception and informed the nurse that he immediately wanted to meet the doctor.

The nurse gave him a disdainful look and said in an inattentive voice, "you have to wait till the receptionist come and enrol your name in the register".

"Sorry sister, I cannot wait. It is urgent."

"You should wait," nurse said rudely.

"I said I am in emergency, sister."

"So what? What should I do? Emergency? You're not dying, are you? Only if I can confirm that you are going to die soon, I will call it an emergency." She shouted at him.

So the nurse does not appreciate the situation. All she cares about is the rules of the institution. Palakkal got immensely angry. In his inner mind he thought, 'We Indians!'

The true self of Palakkal arose. His eyes became blood red. Straightaway, he strutted towards the doctor's room. When the nurse tried to stop him, he took her in one hand and pasted her spread-eagled on the ceiling. Stuck on the ceiling, she helplessly looked at Palakkal walking towards the doctor's room.

Palakkal reached the doctor's room, and with one kick he broke the door into seventy-eight and a half pieces. The doctor raised her eyes from a thick book she was studying and gave him a dead look. Palakkal was unsurprised by the doctor's stoicism. He knew where he was.

The doctor listened to him patiently. Asked some questions which Palakkal thought pointless but to which he gave clear answers like a school boy. Satisfied, the doctor scribbled the names of four tablets on a piece of tissue paper and gave it to Palakkal. The doctor knew nothing of Palakkal. (പാലക്കലാരാ മോന്‍?) He asked what was the first medicine for. She said it was just vitamin tablets. The second one? Some ointment to apply on his belly. Third one? For digestion. And the fourth one for fever, which he should take if he has. Palakkal got frustrated. He asked, "Where the hell is the medicine for diarrhoea, my condition?"

The doctor grew confused. She looked at what she had written. "Where the hell is the medicine?" She asked, perhaps to herself. The doctor scratched the back of her head. One shelf-full of degree certificates she had kept at her home seemed meaningless for her at that moment. She took a small piece of dandruff from her hair and ate it. 

Suddenly, her eyes started to glow. She wrote one more line on the paper and gave it to Palakkal.

"Here it is," she said proudly.

"What is this fifth tablet for?" Palakkal asked.

"Take it. Everything will stop. You will not go to toilet for seven days!" She said showing her wisdom.

Palakkal got exasperated. He realized he had come there in vain. He grabbed her by feet and killed her at once by breaking her head on the table. Then he ran into the toilet to fulfil the ancient urge, which now was imminent.

Palakkal Saga: Conversion of a lady with single mind

The garden was beautiful. Unlike India, it was full of trees and birds. Palakkal had come for a morning walk. The sun had only risen. Feeling the freshness of the morning breeze, he walked. On the stone chair, there sat a woman, still, shining with divine inspiration and energy, though she looked absorbed and weak.

"What makes you so happy this morning?" Palakkal asked.

Waking from her dream, she replied with pleasure, "All my life, I am devoted to my selfless work. My only pleasure is to do my work. My work is my devotion and its fruits are my happiness. Today, I am happy about how single-minded I am in pursuing my passion!."

Palakkal grabbed her by her hands and forced her to the woods. Pressing her to the ground, he raped her.

As he was leaving, he said, "Be known, you lady, that your devotion to your passion is not everything. It is only a narrow fetishism that you keep to justify your unworthy existence. Sexual pleasure I have just given you is one example that there are more things in heaven and earth [1] that humans can crave for. So open your eyes and walk your life with liveliness".

Raising from the ground, she replied in gratitude, "Thanks for enlightening me with your wisdom, master. I've never known the meaning of life as broadly as I know now!"

Smiling and blessing her, Palakkal walked away, to continue feeling the freshness of the morning.

[1] W. Shakespear, Hamlet.