Imperfection of Life?

Ten years ago, when I was in my teen age, life seemed full of hopes, full of possibilities. That was a time with a lot of immature impulses and dreams most of which were almost impossible. It was so until a year back. But now, I am confronted only by limitations: my own limitations!. Maybe, one can justify saying that it is because I'm doing Ph.D. You search for something; it is like searching for a shadow in the dark! And, you can't be sure of what you are doing, whether your search is going in the right direction, whether it is worth doing it, or whether you would be able get somewhere. There are moments of helplessness, but there are moments of extreme exaltations too! But moments of despair are more. They are enervating for some time though will fuel further actions later. One thing I'm not sure about is that whether my feeling of helplessness, or experience of limitations, is a part of PhD or a part of life itself. Since I did not have a life outside academic circles, outside the campus, I can't answer; someone else should tell me. Or, is it the imperfection of life that a lot of people, both wise and unwise alike, talked of?

I strongly feel and in fact, my experiences in life at different times indicate that a problem intellectually understood and emotionally came in terms with is no longer a problem at all. Perhaps, this explains my uncontrollable urge to search for a better explanation, a better understanding of life and myself (though my motto is "when you live, you just live"---maybe, I must explain what I mean by this in another blog). I pondered about my limitations also for quite some time. I constructed a lot of hypotheses. Yet I'm not sure of them and I am unable to accept them---what they are is pointless. So, I don't conclude, and the questions go on. It is not that I intentionally ask these absurd, rather fancy questions; I can't help asking, I have no control over this process.

Since I have no conclusions, I just experience my limitations, without trying to construe them in any way. At the moment, I guess, this is the best I can do. Or maybe, I must console myself saying that "it's your life, whether you like or not".

Don't watch this movie: "Abre los ojos" A.K.A "Open your eyes"

'Abre los ojos' (Open your eyes) is a Spanish movie directed by Alejandro Amenábar in 1997. I watched it recently and got depressed for a few days. The "hangover" is not yet over. It was deeply felt by my innermost senses. So, my advice to you is this: watch the movie only if you are sure that you are a strong willed person (unlike I am). Of course, this is my subjective view. You can take it, or not!

The movie is Spanish and i had to use subtitles. It is about dreaming and its influence in us. But, the dream continues even after the person (hero) is dead. What is real and what is dream is unknown in the middle of the movie. However, to my consolation, the director demystified everything in the end; otherwise, I would have gone mad (what? madder? Oh, no!).

I am a person who loves movies and novels very much, and some of the stories have a capacity to catch my full attention, and, then, I feel the hero and me are the same. I feel everything that the hero (or any character) feels; I am equally disturbed; and I want to solve the problem (whatever). Abre los ojos was surely such a movie. It talks about love, deception, jealousy, rejection, loneliness, and so on; but the exception is the element of dreaming, and like I said above, of death and the continuation of dreams. Though it can be considered as a science fiction because it entails cryonics, I feel there is more in it. Especially, rejection was deeply felt.

I don't want to say more about the story here; just that I was depressed, and my strength of will to live was at stake for some time :-). But I hope others are stronger than I am and would enjoy watching this movie. I did not enjoy watching this movie but I enjoy having watched it!