What is the frame of reference of my life, with respect to which I find meaning to every action? Well, I don't want to philosophize here. My answer is this: "my inner feeling that I AM". The central feeling that I AM the one who experiences all this internal as well as external worlds. That is the only thing which I can take as a basis for anything. The feeling which thinks "this mind is mine", "this intellect is mine", "this body is mine", "this experience is mine", and "I exist in this world". Some say, this feeling is absolute and indestructible (ATMAN). Some says, it is a void, a nothingness, an emptiness, or, an illusion (ANATMAN). Modern psycho analysis often adopts the latter point of view. Zizek says, if you remove all the realities from the mind, what remains is nothing! Stephen Hawkins says, the feeling that time is flowing forward an illusion, but it actually is just another dimension like space. Time is not without beginning. There was a time when there was no time. Perhaps, the fact is that my feeling of I AM is a by product of time. It is time that generates my life. I feel time as my memory. If I remove all my memory? I would feel I had no past, I had no life, I had never eaten anything, I had never loved anyone. All those experiences fall into oblivion. I AM thrown into oblivion. In fact, Umberto Eco analyses this in his novel The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana. The protagonist had an accident, and when he wakes up in a hospital, all his personal memory is lost. All he remembers is from his impersonal memory, which contains things he read somewhere! OK. I am digressing from the topic. The topic is the existence or non-existence of the self. Whatever these philosophers, psychoanalysts or physicists say, my experience is foremost for me. And, I can feel my self. I feel that very feeling of I AM. That is the core of my life, I guess.
On 22nd Friday, June 2012, I gave my second Ph. D. seminar to a small audience of around thirty people. To tell the truth, I had not prepared my talk. I had only prepared my slides, which explained my work. How I would introduce new concepts and explain my work was not planned at all. This was not purposefull. Perhaps, my wife is true. She says I am suffering from bipolar disorder. This is the curse of marrying a doctor. What the fuck! I asked her if she meant I was mad. Maybe, she was true. I was unable to prepare my talk. When I went to the seminar hall, I had an empty mind. I set up the laptop and the projector. Then waited for my audience. One by one, came they. Almost all had been known to me. And they gave me a friendly smile as they entered. I smiled back. This may be a social custom that we have developed through evolution. But it helps. I felt a bit relieved. That inescapable moment came at last. The moment of truth. My guide said "Let's begin the talk". I started: "Good afternoon, this is my second Ph. D. seminar". That's all. I don't remember what happened next. I only know that the talk went without any troubles. Because, during my talk, I felt no I AM. There was only the talk. The topic. The slides. The algorithms. The explanations. I went without stop, except for taking a gulp of water now and then. After that talk, my kindhearted friends said the talk was good. However kindhearted they may be, I felt proud. The I AM came back. Now, the I AM became my pride. My arrogance. Then where was that feeling when I was talking? Did it get transformed to the talk itself? Again, is that feeling real? Is it just an illusion? I don't know. But I can't live without that feeling. Without I AM, I may no longer be I am! I am... all that crap. My likes. My dislikes. My desires. The inexhaustible desire for making love. All the confusion. Does god exist or not? Shit. I AM is a burden, too. Maybe, the point is to forget the self... to forget the I AM.
P. Sandeep
June 26, 2012,
Chennai.
On 22nd Friday, June 2012, I gave my second Ph. D. seminar to a small audience of around thirty people. To tell the truth, I had not prepared my talk. I had only prepared my slides, which explained my work. How I would introduce new concepts and explain my work was not planned at all. This was not purposefull. Perhaps, my wife is true. She says I am suffering from bipolar disorder. This is the curse of marrying a doctor. What the fuck! I asked her if she meant I was mad. Maybe, she was true. I was unable to prepare my talk. When I went to the seminar hall, I had an empty mind. I set up the laptop and the projector. Then waited for my audience. One by one, came they. Almost all had been known to me. And they gave me a friendly smile as they entered. I smiled back. This may be a social custom that we have developed through evolution. But it helps. I felt a bit relieved. That inescapable moment came at last. The moment of truth. My guide said "Let's begin the talk". I started: "Good afternoon, this is my second Ph. D. seminar". That's all. I don't remember what happened next. I only know that the talk went without any troubles. Because, during my talk, I felt no I AM. There was only the talk. The topic. The slides. The algorithms. The explanations. I went without stop, except for taking a gulp of water now and then. After that talk, my kindhearted friends said the talk was good. However kindhearted they may be, I felt proud. The I AM came back. Now, the I AM became my pride. My arrogance. Then where was that feeling when I was talking? Did it get transformed to the talk itself? Again, is that feeling real? Is it just an illusion? I don't know. But I can't live without that feeling. Without I AM, I may no longer be I am! I am... all that crap. My likes. My dislikes. My desires. The inexhaustible desire for making love. All the confusion. Does god exist or not? Shit. I AM is a burden, too. Maybe, the point is to forget the self... to forget the I AM.
P. Sandeep
June 26, 2012,
Chennai.
