Nocturnal Serenade

In the darkness of this night, a melodious music flowing from faraway lands finds a recess deep in the bottom of my soul; it modulates my melancholy and convinces me of its heavenly origin. My God, why life is so futile yet so beautiful! 

First Thought

My God, why did the night die so young! 

Waves of Disquiet

It seems the only way I can write is in semi-fiction mode. What else will I write but about myself and my life? What is interesting other than that? 

Politics has changed in this country. The election changed everything. People are rejoicing in the huge victory of the leader. Was it their leader? I wonder. How are they able to show such a vigorous support for him? Do they know him so much? How can they put so much of faith in him? I cannot understand. It is the way humans are. The mass resists to be understood.

I can't write about the mass, its choices, its urges and its behaviour. I don't want to know either. Life is led by a vacuum of desires and drives and motivations. When you are engrossed in that vacuum, you don't even know that it is a vacuum. Everything -- shouts, rejoice, hopes, virtues, morality, values, sense of wellness, happiness, joy, ambitions, devotion, dedication, convention, tradition, culture, revolution, genocide, holocaust, hegemony, slavery, debt, wealth, assets, investment, confidence, comfort, anxiety, anger, desperation, fear, animosity, hatred, pride, redemption, struggles, wars, ethnic cleansing, riots, rape, liberty, surveillance, internet, pornography, vendetta, defamation, corruption, sexuality, fellatio, fetishism, pederasty, perversion, hunger, poverty, democracy, monarchy, fanaticism, machismo, emasculation, feminism, writing, poetry, cinema, smile, laughter -- revolves around that vacuum. A vacuum which reveals itself as an absolute presence, a nothingness which appears itself as a fullness, a hole which portrays itself as a gravitational pull. 

I also feel the illusion of that presence, that fullness, that pull, but I also feel its absence, the emptiness, lack of any force and direction. Perhaps, I have some inherent deformities -- maybe blind, maybe insane, maybe something else. But I am away from the madness of a crowd. I hate crowd. I am timid of a crowd. I can't subscribe to the crowd's interests. I am away. I am alone. It is not that I want to be away, alone. It is that I am alone and away, that is why I am alone and away.

I am not living in a desert. Yet, I find myself alone as if in a desert. I find my voice getting crushed in the continuous flow of loud shouts from outside. Those shouts, when deciphered, form a vehement call for a change -- an unacceptable, unwarranted change. They want to create a homogeneous voice -- a loud, monotonic, unending sound. A deafening sound that is external and absurd. That sound will not compromise on its monotonousness, homogeneity, and superiority. It wants to eliminate all the different tones, all the variations. The colour of that sound is a pure, boring white. An insipid white. White that will not tolerate any other shades on the canvas. 

I am a stain in a pure white canvas, a canvas which people mistake for containing a beautiful painting. I am a wrong note, a deviation, in a monotonic music, which people mistakes for a beautiful music. I can't make their painting pristine nor make their music pure. I am here to stay as a stain, a deviation, as I am, eluding even my own understanding of it. The truth is that I am a stain even I can't clean myself. I am a deviation even I can't rectify myself. Perhaps that deviation, the sense of being a stain, defines me. Perhaps I have different sensitivities than the crowd. 

Who knows it right? The more I observe anything, the more it eludes me!

Sandeep

Chennai, May 25, 2014.

Senseless Writing: On Being a Subject, a Cogito! [Unedited]

Breath deeply.... Breath deeply.... Breath is strength.... Breath is life.... Breath helps you to hold on to life. Breath deeply and be alive. Live!

Do not tell me philosophy. Please! And do not tell me metaphysics. 

Do not tell me any superior theory that can define me, understand me, explain me, and thereby limit me and oppress me.

I may not be limitless. I may rather be finite. I may not possess anything that is mine. My desire may not be mine. My dreams may not be mine. Perhaps, theories are just right; perhaps, they are wrong. Perhaps, life exists outside. Perhaps, the outside defines me.

Yet, I experience only me: the me inside me myself. I see only through me. I understand only through me. I experience, define, explain ... only through me. Only through me.

Without the me within myself, the world for me is a void: a huge void that lies outside me. A huge void which seems to be huge because it is so senseless and so meaningless without me. A huge, senseless void. A huge nonsense.

I focus on myself ... my thoughts ... my urges ... the me within me. I focus on my essence, my consciousness, the feel of my feel, the me within me. How will I even tell you about it! I don't know!

My essence, this consciousness: What is it to me? What is my essence, the only thing that I feel belonging to me, to me? I get nowhere. I get to nothing. It is a nothing! Yes, it, my essence, reveals itself to me as a void!

I am an emptiness, so wide and deep, so vast and huge.

I am also an essence, aware of itself. Absurd yet blissful self-awareness! 

I must stop writing. But I can't. If I don't write, I speak to myself. My head fills with my inner voice, which, after a while, becomes merely a noise -- just a humming sound.

Breath deeply. Breath deeply. Breath is my strength. Breath connects me to my body. Breath is a bridge between my consciousness and concreteness.

I am an emptiness. I am also an essence. I am an empty essence, a pure consciousness. 

Lo and behold:

"I am an empty essence, a pure consciousness."

Perhaps, I am a black hole: an isolated, point singularity in the wide, vast, continuous space; yet so deep and dense and huge.

"I am an empty essence, a pure consciousness."

My eyes should be cool, but they are not. They are burning like sun. They are burning like two volcanoes!