Palakkal woke up. He had the satisfaction that, being the Happy New Year on that day, he was able to wake up in the morning itself, as the time at that moment was only fifty-nine minutes and a few seconds past eleven. First few minutes he spent analyzing the problem of whether there is a need to take bath that day or not. After considering various factors and doctrines, he concluded that it was not even remotely necessary. Yet, being a virtuous man, he washed the phallus in purified water. It is an imperative that a man washes the phallus after sex even if it was a sacred and legible one. Palakkal is a man of knowledge and scriptures, and followed every dictum adamantly.
Drinking up the little toddy left in the bottom of the can, he opened a pack, wrapped in banana leaves, kept in the kitchen. It contained the fresh heart of the lion that Palakkal murdered the night before for roaring loudly just when Palakkal was about to come and feel an orgasmic climax. Cleaning the remnants of the blood, again in purified water, Palakkal dressed it in chilly and masala and salt. He fried it deep in one cup of heated cow-ghee, then sat on the floor and started to eat. Exactly at that moment, there was a knock on the door that would open the house towards the paddy field. Palakkal got wildly angry for being disturbed during his lunch.
"Whoever that be, she just knocked the door of the hell," whispered Palakkal to himself as he got up.
Palakkal opened the door and, seeing the guest, became calm at once. It was the Lord from the nearby temple. Unless there is some very serious reason, it does not befit Palakkal to torture the oppressed and downtrodden in the society. He invited the Lord inside and gave him an old wooden chair to sit.
The Lord sat with his trunk straight, erect like a mountain. Divine calmness and serenity played on his face.
"My Lord, what made you get out of your divine abode and come to my stinking home?"
Lord smiled silently. A divine smile. When he smiled, the room filled with a divine light. Palakkal moved two steps backwards. He knew that even he could be corrupted by the divinity of the Lord. But the Lord himself took no notice of Palakkal's reaction. He said in a
Dassettanian voice,
"My son, apologies for bothering you and disturbing your lunch. I came here just to relax and spend some time in the quietness of your home. All the ass holes on the earth have swarmed in my abode since early morning. Being the Happy New Year of the year, they all want to see me and demand their blessings."
Hearing this, Palakkal started laughing like a dinosaur. Lord looked at Palakkal with interest and continued to smile. After Palakkal's laugh came to a halt, the Lord asked him,
"What do you have to offer me to eat?"
"I have a half-eaten deep-fried heart of a lion. It is good and tasty."
"Anything to drink?"
"Just finished the last drop of heavenly liquid before you came."
"OK, never mind."
The Lord wanted to sleep for a while. Palakkal showed him his bed and mattress. While the Lord was sleeping, Palakkal devoured the rest of the lion's heart. Satisfied, he went out with his toddy can. One mile apart, there was a small forest. He went inside and stood before a giant tree. A monkey was sitting silently on the lower branch of the tree, looking down. When it saw Palakkal approaching, the monkey started shivering with fear. Palakkal showed him the can. The monkey came down at once reverently and took the can with it. It climbed a coconut tree nearby and came down after a few minutes. The can was filled with fresh toddy now.
Walking back home, Palakkal thus reflected, "I don't know why that monkey always fears me like an elephant fears an ant! I will never understand some of the mysteries on this earth." As he walked, a giant elephant indeed came opposite to him. Seeing Palakkal, it bowed down deeply and moved away from the road with all humility to make way for Palakkal.
Upon reaching home, Palakkal gave one peg of toddy to the Lord. The Lord was happy and rested. Sipping from the cup, he asked Palakkal,
"So, what are your Happy New Year resolutions, son?"
Palakkal suddenly stood in attention and said in a solemn voice, as if he was reciting something sacred,
"Number one: I will not pay a penny for sex this year. Number two: I will not rape any minors, but only majors. Number three: I will not be cruel to the women I rape by leaving them to live, but kill them kindly at once. Number four: I will not treat any woman as a woman, but behave like a fetish feminist. Number five: I will not kill anyone by holding the feet and hitting the head on the ground; I will use more decent methods. Number six: In case I kill any animal, I will eat at least a portion of it. Number seven: I will not forcefully kick the earth while angry and thus will not cause the earth from moving away from its orbit. Number eight," Palakkal continued with a dubious smile on his lips, "I will not kick any Lord's butt this year."
The Lord gave Palakkal one gold Ring and said, "Son, accept my gift for having such an extraordinary list of Happy New Year resolutions. And now, allow me to leave for my home."
"Thank you, my Lord of the Ring," Palakkal said in gratitude while also trying to recollect the previous day's price of the gold.
During the evening walk, Palakkal passed near the temple and saw the endless queue of "ass holes on the earth" who had come to see the Lord. But those who came in cars did not have to stand in the queue. Lord's manifesto written by Lord-only-knows-which-ass-hole permitted them to enter directly. An old lady beggar accosted Palakkal and asked for the alms. He took pity and opened the polythene bag he was carrying. He took a dead black cat from it, chopped of the head with his dagger and gave that to her. The eyes of the dead animal were open and staring at the people around.
"Oh dear old lady! The brain is the best part of a cat. With love from the bottom of my heart, I present the best part of my dinner to you. Please accept my kindness with gratitude."
Horrified, the lady ran away. Dejected, Palakkal put the deformed cat inside his cover and continued his evening stroll.
The End.
