Imperfection of Life?

Ten years ago, when I was in my teen age, life seemed full of hopes, full of possibilities. That was a time with a lot of immature impulses and dreams most of which were almost impossible. It was so until a year back. But now, I am confronted only by limitations: my own limitations!. Maybe, one can justify saying that it is because I'm doing Ph.D. You search for something; it is like searching for a shadow in the dark! And, you can't be sure of what you are doing, whether your search is going in the right direction, whether it is worth doing it, or whether you would be able get somewhere. There are moments of helplessness, but there are moments of extreme exaltations too! But moments of despair are more. They are enervating for some time though will fuel further actions later. One thing I'm not sure about is that whether my feeling of helplessness, or experience of limitations, is a part of PhD or a part of life itself. Since I did not have a life outside academic circles, outside the campus, I can't answer; someone else should tell me. Or, is it the imperfection of life that a lot of people, both wise and unwise alike, talked of?

I strongly feel and in fact, my experiences in life at different times indicate that a problem intellectually understood and emotionally came in terms with is no longer a problem at all. Perhaps, this explains my uncontrollable urge to search for a better explanation, a better understanding of life and myself (though my motto is "when you live, you just live"---maybe, I must explain what I mean by this in another blog). I pondered about my limitations also for quite some time. I constructed a lot of hypotheses. Yet I'm not sure of them and I am unable to accept them---what they are is pointless. So, I don't conclude, and the questions go on. It is not that I intentionally ask these absurd, rather fancy questions; I can't help asking, I have no control over this process.

Since I have no conclusions, I just experience my limitations, without trying to construe them in any way. At the moment, I guess, this is the best I can do. Or maybe, I must console myself saying that "it's your life, whether you like or not".