Imperfection of Life?

Ten years ago, when I was in my teen age, life seemed full of hopes, full of possibilities. That was a time with a lot of immature impulses and dreams most of which were almost impossible. It was so until a year back. But now, I am confronted only by limitations: my own limitations!. Maybe, one can justify saying that it is because I'm doing Ph.D. You search for something; it is like searching for a shadow in the dark! And, you can't be sure of what you are doing, whether your search is going in the right direction, whether it is worth doing it, or whether you would be able get somewhere. There are moments of helplessness, but there are moments of extreme exaltations too! But moments of despair are more. They are enervating for some time though will fuel further actions later. One thing I'm not sure about is that whether my feeling of helplessness, or experience of limitations, is a part of PhD or a part of life itself. Since I did not have a life outside academic circles, outside the campus, I can't answer; someone else should tell me. Or, is it the imperfection of life that a lot of people, both wise and unwise alike, talked of?

I strongly feel and in fact, my experiences in life at different times indicate that a problem intellectually understood and emotionally came in terms with is no longer a problem at all. Perhaps, this explains my uncontrollable urge to search for a better explanation, a better understanding of life and myself (though my motto is "when you live, you just live"---maybe, I must explain what I mean by this in another blog). I pondered about my limitations also for quite some time. I constructed a lot of hypotheses. Yet I'm not sure of them and I am unable to accept them---what they are is pointless. So, I don't conclude, and the questions go on. It is not that I intentionally ask these absurd, rather fancy questions; I can't help asking, I have no control over this process.

Since I have no conclusions, I just experience my limitations, without trying to construe them in any way. At the moment, I guess, this is the best I can do. Or maybe, I must console myself saying that "it's your life, whether you like or not".

Don't watch this movie: "Abre los ojos" A.K.A "Open your eyes"

'Abre los ojos' (Open your eyes) is a Spanish movie directed by Alejandro Amenábar in 1997. I watched it recently and got depressed for a few days. The "hangover" is not yet over. It was deeply felt by my innermost senses. So, my advice to you is this: watch the movie only if you are sure that you are a strong willed person (unlike I am). Of course, this is my subjective view. You can take it, or not!

The movie is Spanish and i had to use subtitles. It is about dreaming and its influence in us. But, the dream continues even after the person (hero) is dead. What is real and what is dream is unknown in the middle of the movie. However, to my consolation, the director demystified everything in the end; otherwise, I would have gone mad (what? madder? Oh, no!).

I am a person who loves movies and novels very much, and some of the stories have a capacity to catch my full attention, and, then, I feel the hero and me are the same. I feel everything that the hero (or any character) feels; I am equally disturbed; and I want to solve the problem (whatever). Abre los ojos was surely such a movie. It talks about love, deception, jealousy, rejection, loneliness, and so on; but the exception is the element of dreaming, and like I said above, of death and the continuation of dreams. Though it can be considered as a science fiction because it entails cryonics, I feel there is more in it. Especially, rejection was deeply felt.

I don't want to say more about the story here; just that I was depressed, and my strength of will to live was at stake for some time :-). But I hope others are stronger than I am and would enjoy watching this movie. I did not enjoy watching this movie but I enjoy having watched it!

(An Incomplete Musing) On Research

Passion to learn,
Patience to think,

Shamelessness to ask,
Willingness to answer,

Eagerness to know,
Determination to pursue,

Strength to withstand,
Willpower to overcome,

Depth to demonstrate,
Broadness to offer,

Lucidity to explain,
Brilliance to breakthrough,

Command to lead,
Diplomacy to get along,

Thus my friend, this method
Needs a thousand of skills.


Sandeep Palakkal.

Understanding Life

Yeah! Now I understand what life is:

"Life is a tomato!"

Being a Detective!

Again, remembering "The name of the Rose", I ask myself what it means being a detective? It is just being confused of various details available regarding the problem that one is investigating, making a number of hypotheses from them without knowing which is stupid and which is reasonable, eagerly looking for updated information to substantiate or reject at least one of ones hypotheses and to make new hypotheses... This will go on until one cracks the problem. But, if one finally understands that one had been looking for a non-existent mouse in darkness, what will happen to the detective? Will he be just embarrassed of the stupid hypotheses he had made? Will he stop doing detective works anymore? Or, will he go mad?

Whatever it be, I understand that the motive of every detective is to know the truth. It is an inexplicable and, quite often, unjustifiable curiosity to know the truth that makes every detective working... In that process, he himself is madly obsessed with the questions.

Wisdom of a Devil

"Why most of the popular philosophers are shallow?"

"Because shallow philosophers are most popular".

"Then, why shallow philosophers are most popular?"

"Because the populace understands only shallow philosophers".

A Dilemma of the Strong

I am finding a lot of people in "bad mood". They will behave rudely or without any manners and will later say that they were in bad moods. I wonder if all human beings have this problem. I never had it. I had been gloomy, angry or in some kind of bad moods. But it never made me behave in a "bad" way. I can't look at anyone whom I know well without a smile whatever mood I may be in at the moment. Even if I am angry with that person, I will behave like a human.

So, What kind of phenomenon is this "in bad moods"?

Is this an escape from ones self? You act without any control, and then blame your bad mood - this will make you to take no responsibility for your action. So, you are comfortable. And, other "good" people "will understand" you. So no more conflicts.

By this, I infer that this is the habit of the weak-willed people. They have no control over themselves, no determination and are contemptible. Or at least, they feel that they are contemptible. I must feel pity towards them, in fact.

However, it is very difficult to live among these weak people. Only my strength of will helps me to do so....

On Speech

Some talk, some chat,
But, most make noise!

A Long Wait for You... (A Poem)

"Books... books... books... windows to the world,
Dreams... dreams... dreams... windows to the mind,
Friends... friends... friends... windows to heaven.

Many things life taught me...
How many things more!
It's already saturating, and boring...

I am waiting for you to come...
In this silent solitude...
To share my knowledge, my joy!
Thus to unburden my wisdom...

I am waiting for you to come...
In this dark corner of the world...
To help me to fill up my space with light!
And to feel the completeness of living..."

Sandeep Palakkal

An Impression

Life is so vivid an experience which I can't express with words. It paints a lot of impressions in my mind. After a good sleep, today morning something was revealed to my mind. I have no words to express it. I better express it in someone else's words...

"He walks among men like man walks among animals."

--Thus Spoke Zaratustra, Friedrich Nietzsche.